Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
