I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
