My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
