Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Randomize