yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
