No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
