i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
