So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
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