My first STD was from a foam party
i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
