after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
