It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
