I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
