I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
