i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Michael Bay diarrhea
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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