did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
