I puked a lego.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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