the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
