tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
