Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
