Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
