I'm so fucking centered right now
Midget sex pt 2 tonight
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
