if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Randomize
