Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Randomize
