dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
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