My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize