I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
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