Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
