I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
