Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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