I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize