Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
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