Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
It's shark week go big or go home
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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