when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize