drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize