end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
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