Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
someone owes me an orgasm
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
