Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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