you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
