Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
