so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
