Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Randomize
