Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
I smell stomach acid.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
