My friends, they love my intelligence
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
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