JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Randomize
