There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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