My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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