I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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