I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
