nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
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