So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
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