We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Randomize
