i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
