I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
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