My hand turned me down
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
