I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
