before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
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