HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize