Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
